I AM DAMAGED GOODS…. I was nineteen years old and crazy in love with Jesus when that preacher told an auditorium I was “damaged goods” because of my sexual past. He was making every effort to encourage this crowd of young adults to “stay pure for marriage.” He was passionate, yes, well-intentioned, and he was a good speaker, very convincing indeed. And he stood up there and shamed me, over and over and over again. Oh, he didn’t call me up to the front and name me. But he stood up there and talked about me with such disgust, like I couldn’t be in that real-life crowd of young people worshiping in that church. I felt spotlighted and singled out among the holy — surely my red face announced my guilt to everyone. He passed around a cup of water and asked us all to spit into it. Some boys horked and honked their worst into that cup while everyone laughed. Then he held up that cup of cloudy saliva from the crowd and asked, “Who wants to drink this?!” And everyone in the crowd made barfing noises. No way, gross! “This is what you are like if you have sex before marriage,” he said seriously. “You are asking your future husband or wife to drink this cup.”

Over the years the messages melded together into the common refrain: “Sarah, your virginity was a gift and you gave it away. You threw away your virtue for a moment of pleasure. You have twisted God’s ideal of sex and love and marriage. You will never be free of your former partners; the boys of your past will haunt your marriage like soul ties. Your virginity belonged to your future husband. You stole from him. If — if! — you ever get married, you’ll have tremendous baggage to overcome in your marriage. You’ve ruined everything. No one honorable or godly wants to marry you. You are damaged goods, Sarah.” If true love waits, I heard, then I had been disqualified from true love. In the face of our sexually dysfunctional culture, the church longs to stand as an outpost of God’s ways of love and marriage, purity and wholeness. And yet we twist that until we treat someone like me — and, according to this research, 80 percent of you are like me — as if our value and worth were tied up in our virginity.

We, the majority non-virgins in the myopic purity conversations, feel like the dirty little secret, the not-as-goods, the easily judged example. In this clouded swirl of shame, our sexual choices are the barometer of our righteousness and worth. We can’t let anyone know, so we keep it quiet, lest anyone discover we were not virgins on some mythic wedding night. We don’t want to be the object of disgust or pity or gossip or judgment. And in the silence, our shame — and the lies of the enemy — grows.

And so here, now, I’ll stand up and say it, the way I wish someone had said it to me fifteen years ago when I was sitting in that packed auditorium with my heart racing, wrists aching, eyes stinging, drowning and silenced by the imposition of shame masquerading as ashes of repentance: So, you had sex before you were married. It’s okay. Really. It’s okay. There is no shame in Christ’s love. Let him without sin cast the first stone. You are more than your virginity — or lack thereof — and more than your sexual past.

Your marriage is not doomed because you said yes to the boys you loved as a young woman. Your husband won’t hold it against you; he’s not that weak and ego-driven. Choose a man marked by grace. It’s likely you would make different choices, if you knew then what you know now, but, darling, don’t make it more than it is, and don’t make it less than it is.

Let it be true, and don’t let anyone silence you or the redeeming work of Christ in your life out of shame. Now, in Christ, you’re clear, like Canadian mountain water, rushing and alive, quenching and bracing, in your wholeness.

Virginity isn’t a guarantee of healthy sexuality or marriage. You don’t have to consign your sexuality to the box marked “Wrong.” Your very normal and healthy desires aren’t a switch to be flipped. Morality tales and false identities aren’t the stuff of a real marriage. Purity isn’t judged by outward appearances and technicalities. The sheep and the goats are not divided on the basis of their virginity. (Besides, this focus is weird and over-realized; it’s the flip side of the culture’s coin, which values women only for their sexuality. It’s also damaging not only for you but for the virgins in the room too. Really, there’s a lot of baggage from this whole purity movement heading out into the world.) For I am convinced, right along with the apostle Paul, that “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8: 38 – 39). Not even “neither virginity nor promiscuity” and all points between can separate you from this love. You are loved — without condition — beyond your wildest dreams already.

I would say: “Sarah, your worth isn’t determined by your virginity. What a lie.” No matter what that preacher said that day, no matter how many purity balls are thrown with sparkling upper-middle-class extravagance, no matter the purity rings and the purity pledges, no matter the judgmental, gospel-negating rhetoric used with the best of intentions, no matter the “how close is too close?” serious conversations of boundary-marking young Christians, no matter the circumstances of your story, you are not disqualified from life or from joy or from marriage or from your calling or from a healthy and wonderful lifetime of sex because you had — and, heaven forbid, enjoyed — sex before you were married. Darling, young one burning with shame and hiding in the silence, listen now: Don’t believe that lie. You never were, you never will be, damaged goods.

The story of Sarah B
From the book SPEAK How your story can change the world.
by Nish Weiseth

About Ron

Ron and Anne founded the first Christian Fellowship Church in Harlingen, Texas in 1982. Ron presently serves as its apostolic overseer. He travels nationally and internationally motivating and challenging people to be effective in their call and ministry to their local church, their community, and the marketplace.

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  1. Sara says:

    I have to agree that it hurts everyone, even the virgins. When you walk in constant fear that if you enter a relationship you’re going screw everything up, there’s a problem. It also makes you think sex is evil and that wanting to have sex makes you evil. I am glad to see that my generation is beginning to see what damage these mindsets are having, and I hope this means we won’t push the same fears on our children. Fear will not keep anyone from premarital sex and it’s not going to allow for healing in places in our hearts that do need to be healed.

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